Why Don't You Play Them?

Scott Wozniak

Compositor: Garrett Williamson / Scott Wozniak

It's not FlingSmash, Geist, or Burnout Crash
Not Mario Party 6 or Ultra Smash
Neither Clubhouse Games or Wii Fit Plus
Nor Family Feud on SNES
All the games I've played, whether good or bad
Have tropes in common, my favorite doodads
It may be rushed, or plain, or flawed
But they ain't RPGs—oh, thank God

Are my tastes just bad? Am I the one to blame?
Or is it RPGs that are dumb and lame?

Why don't you play them?
They just take so damn long to complete
Why don't you play them?
60 hours, just to rinse and repeat
But you could grind for years to beat that boss, oh
Why waste all this time on just one game?
Why don't you play them?

Turn-based battles and too much text
I'd rather be out not having sex
Menu clutter and useless stats
And random encounters can kiss my ass
No gameplay till hours in
Combat-ready? How did I win?
The same thing happens over again
And that there fun part comes up when?
I miss one thing and now I'm lost
That one inch of text really meant a lot?
Some shops with items I can't afford
So grind for money, you won't be bored
I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm not having fun
There's no other way this can be spun
What do I do? What do I check?
It's an RPG, what did I expect?

Why don't you play them?
They're so good though
Listen, guys
You can't have opinions
Why don't you play them?
They're not my style
Start a new file!
Why don't you, why-why don't you

Number two: Wait your turn, fucker